making cookies + choosing my nighttime thoughts
After a couple years of absence and wasting money on this domain, I am back! I took these photos on January 2nd, edited them on the 3rd, and intended to write on the 4th, but my husband and I were thrown a bit of a curveball in the home department EARLY that morning and actually had to go live with my parents for two-ish weeks – thanks, mom and dad!!! I took my laptop with me, sure, but there were just so many nice people and a dog to share my time with while I was there. So now, 20 days after I made these cursed cookies, I’m here with some words to accompany the photos.
I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep and anxiety lately, and how they’ve been so closely intertwined in my life for as long as I can remember. Getting into bed at the end of the day feels nice, but the lack of distractions there tends to overwhelm me. As a kid, I was vulnerable to the creeping fears of fire, burglars, and throwing up, and as an adult, it’s pretty much all death (lol) – dying in my sleep, people I love dying, people I don’t even know dying. Wow. Sorry, let’s stop thinking about the inevitability of death for a second and look at some cookie dough:
Anyway, it occurred to me a couple weeks ago that worrying isn’t like a *compulsory* piece of a Bedtime Routine. As obvious as that sounds, it felt like a revelation to me. I have the freedom to choose my own thoughts? The freedom to observe my own impulses and decide whether or not I follow them? Anxiety isn’t my whole self???
So instead of catastrophizing, I could plan a route for the next walk I take on a sunny day, or write a movie in my head, or think about people I like (without, of course, getting to the part where I worry about them hating me – haha!). All good ideas, but I’m finding that I often need more structure to stay on track and not let anxiety take over – someday I’ll be in a place where I’m not as susceptible. For now, I’ve invented a game for myself!
I go through the alphabet and really concentrate on something I enjoy that starts with each letter. It takes me a bit to decide on something and then I have to try and thoroughly imagine it, so it takes some time to get through each letter – which is good! There have been many nights where I literally only make it to D or E. I try to not pick things that are brand-specific because it feels like a more wholesome exercise to me when it’s not about consumerism, but you do you, whatever gets you to sleep, baby!!!
You want an example? I am happy to provide one. Today’s things-I-enjoy alphabet is below.
A – addressing envelopes; B – BrandCamp’s Drawing Music playlist (they’re an artist who shares videos on TikTok, and they always pick fun, plinky mid-century music); C – confetti at concerts; D – driving at golden hour; E – embellishing t-shirts (there will be another post about this soon); F – frosty roofs in the early morning; G – graham cracker pie crusts; H – How Can I Make It Ok? by Wolf Alice; I – indigo (the word, the color, the plant); J – jam jars used as tealight holders; K – knitters who donate their hand-knit sweaters to Value Village (thanks!); L – laying on the couch and listening to a podcast; M – melted cheese; N – new leaves on trees; O – open windows; P – printing cards with stamps I’ve carved; Q – quiz-taking (I’m coming back for you, JetPunk’s Countries of the World Quiz); R – reading reviews on Letterboxd after watching a movie; S – slippers and socks; T – tiny rainbows in my kitchen (everyone should have suncatcher); U – unwrapping (and wrapping) gifts; V – vines climbing up brick houses; W – wine :); X – ‘x’-ing off boxes on checklists; Y – yellow anything; Z – zig-zagging down a path on rollerblades (though it has been a WHILE).
Hoping the new year is treating all of you kindly! If you want to make raspberry chocolate chip cookies, too, I’d recommend this recipe (I’ve used it a number of times now, always delicious). Thanks for reading!
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